‘ACTINGS’ AND MURPHY’S LAW

In the Tea industry, when the Manager of an estate goes on annual leave (for six weeks)his 'second-in-command' has to move into the former's official residence - bags, baggage and spouse in tow! This is called an 'Acting' because, for those six weeks, he is the 'Acting Manager'.

Murphy’s Law is especially true of ‘Actings’. For those who aren’t familiar with it, Murphy’s Law says, “ Anything that can go wrong, will!” I am speaking, of course, from the lady’s point of view.
I have had the most unbelievable experiences, involving the most incredible conversations with poker-faced ‘bagaals’ (cowherds)and extremely dignified Burra Bearers, all related to cows, and specifically their breeding problems. Of course, cows had to come on heat during an ‘Acting’ and on the very day when no transport was available to take the cow to the bull or vice versa. If transport was somehow organized, and the needful done, the well-deserved sigh of relief was cut short by the respectful report that the ‘deed’ wasn’t! Either the cow was acting coy for some reason, or the bull was patently uninterested! Try telling your poor, harassed husband that it had all been in vain!
I’ve had cows going off their food (Why, for heaven’s sake? It’s the same old food!), cows falling sick just when the vet is unavailable, cows dying for no apparent reason and cows calving at odd hours. I have even played mid-wife to a cow! The glow of satisfaction after this achievement was somewhat dimmed when I saw my spotted face in the mirror. Horrified, I realized I had been royally bitten by midges and mosquitoes during the delivery. No prizes for guessing what comes next….Yes, a visitor was expected for breakfast. I slapped on the Calamine lotion, then washed it off and camouflaged the spots as best as I could. The guest left in rather a hurry. I thought he had a plane to catch, but my husband said the poor man must have thought I had measles or some other nasty, infectious disease!
Some Burra Bungalow servants seem to think that ‘Acting’ time is ‘Acting Up’ time! I have been on tenterhooks on many occasions, because the Head Bearer would be drunk while serving the meal. Just twenty minutes back, he had been all right, but in the interim, he had nipped across to his quarters just behind the bungalow, and taken a mighty swig! His dignified demeanour would be in total contrast to the dangerous angle of the tray, ready to drop everything into the guest’s lap, or the symphony played by the crockery and cutlery as his hands shook with the DTs or whatever! The excuses they thought up for their going absent would make a scriptwriter applaud with admiration. I never knew one person could have so many grandparents or that they could die so many times.. and then be resurrected! Lazarus had nothing on them!
During one ‘Acting’, I had to count the chickens each evening once they returned to the coop, because the servants were in the habit of helping themselves whenever they had ‘Gotia’(guests). Believe me, they led hectic social lives! Then there was the ‘bagaal’ who drank up half the milk and added water to make up the difference. I knew Jersey cows’ milk was thin, but this was ridiculous! The worst occasion was when none of the cows got ‘enciente’, but the unmarried ayah did!
I have had my every move reported to the Burra Memsahib, including what I ate and how I spent my time. Thank God, my favourite pastime is reading and I lead a reasonably blameless life!
One Burra Memsahib kept a beautiful compound. Most do, of course, but this compound looked absolutely fabulous with its profusion of flowers and shrubs. Early one morning, even before my morning ‘cuppa’, I was aghast to find a group of strangers, armed with cameras, strolling around and taking photographs! One young couple were even posing for rather nauseatingly coy pictures, which was a bit much to take on an empty stomach! The 'Mali' was happily showing everyone around! I sent the bearer to find out who these people were. Apparently, they had been travelling by bus on the highway, when they happened to notice this beautiful garden. So, they had decided to break journey, and take a closer look! Luckily, they had not plucked any flowers or done any other damage. Tactfully, I sent them on their way! I suppose they were a change from those who broke journey at that particular bungalow to use the amenities! Many a time had I quickly changed into something decent to greet the ‘guests’, only to find that they had already ‘been’ and left!
Going back to Murphy’s Law, anything marked ‘unbreakable’ or which has adorned the same niche for months on end and been dusted by the very same servants, will be broken during an ‘Acting’. How that happens is one of Life’s mysteries.
A beloved pet will fall critically ill, or die during an ‘Acting’, leaving the Acting Manager and his wife feeling distinctly guilty, even though they know it is not their fault, and that they have done all they can for the animal.
I could go on and on… Living in someone else’s house and looking after someone else’s animals and belongings, is a great responsibility. If one does not know the people well enough, it can be a daunting prospect. Having experienced Murphy’s Law first hand, I can sympathize with all those in the ‘Acting’ stage…………….and thank God I’m out of it! Phew!

OF TEA MEMSAHIBS, CREEPY CRAWLIES AND OTHER CRITTERS….

When my friend in the city had hysterics over a lizard which had wandered into her flat, I realized what a different attitude most of us ‘Tea’ ladies have towards ‘creepy crawlies’ and other creatures. I, for one, have a ‘live and let live’ attitude towards lizards. In fact, I think they’re very useful creatures to have in the house, as they gobble up all the pesky insects they can curl their tongue around! They are otherwise quite harmless. The only time I took exception to a lizard was when it fell ‘phlat’ on the back of my neck early one morning as I lay sleeping. It was like being slapped with a cold, cold hand! Not the best of wake-up calls! However, before the advent of phones, TVs and other mod cons, I’m sure many a memsahib welcomed the friendly ‘tik-tik’ greeting of the gecko each evening!
Moving on to snakes, most of us know that some are non-poisonous, and thus, harmless. Even the poisonous ones are left alone by us as long as they do the same! I’m reminded of the occasion when a young reporter from Mumbai was visiting our estate. We were all invited to the Burra Bungalow for tea. At that time, I was having trouble over baby snakes sneaking into our bedroom through cracks on the floor. The Burro memsahib enquired solicitously whether I had had to get rid of any more baby snakes recently, while I politely asked her if she had found any more families of snakes under her bath tub. I turned to offer some snacks to the guest, only to see him staring at us as if we were creatures from outer space! He must have thought we were either mad, talking about such dangerous creatures as if they were a minor menace, or pulling his leg!
One evening, after a football tea at our bungalow, the men were inside, indulging in some serious elbow-lifting while the ladies sat in the open verandah. Suddenly, gatecrashers to the party, in the form of large crickets, were all over the verandah! They climbed up ladies’ legs, causing consternation and rather interesting dance steps! Some ladies ran inside, but the rest started kicking the crickets off the verandah,on to the lawn, thus playing some football of their own! Let me assure all you insect-rights activists out there- no harm was done to the crickets, who happily went on to make holes in my lawn!
Another creature that can cause involuntary dancing, is the leech. No one likes to have such a cold, creepy bloodsucker attached to her person! A friend of mine once, inadvertently, afforded sundry people quite an eyeful of her shapely legs, while trying to get rid of a particularly clingy leech. I suppose ‘Modesty’ can go to the ‘Blaizes’ when a leech is stuck to your leg! Still and all, in an encounter between a memsahib and a leech, it’s the latter which curls up and dies!
That scourge of the household- the cockroach! As clean as one keeps the bungalow, one will come across this nocturnal visitor at least once! So, what does the memsahib do? She picks up a slipper, and, wham! What about ‘Hit’, you ask? Well, since cockroaches are not regular visitors in the bedroom or bathroom, one doesn’t usually keep that handy.
Talking about bathrooms, I once had a ‘peeping tom’ there…only, he was blind! It was a mole. What a time I had trying to chase it out of the back door! My husband slept on, oblivious. The next day, however, he did mention the peculiar squealing sounds that had emanated from the loo the previous night! I said, nonchalantly, “I chased away a peeping tom….”
Old bungalows usually have rats or mice nesting in the ceiling. They probably have a long genealogy, going back to The Good Old Days! When one of these cross our path, we calmly jump on to the nearest piece of furniture, and call the bearer! From our vantage point, we watch the ‘alarums and excursions’ on the part of both mouse and man, sometimes issuing directions or offering suggestions, but not budging till the rodent is out of the way!
A mass of wriggling worms may be a disgusting sight to some, but to us Tea ladies, their vermicompost is a good source of nutrition to the soil of our flower beds and vegetable gardens, so, “You worm!” may just be a compliment, coming from us!
Furry caterpillars,slugs, snails, small four-legged ‘critters’ and strange insects that even an entomologist may not recognize…. These are some of the inhabitants of our world. Not all are pests, though. Some, like the colourful butterflies flitting from flower to flower, the bright little ‘ladybirds, landing gently on your hand, and the phosphorescent fireflies flashing through the dusk, help us to appreciate the beauty of Nature.
There is a chameleon which lives in the Azalea shrub outside my bedroom.I like to think that it has a friendly gleam in its beady little eye when I open my door every morning and watch it soaking up the early morning sunlight. We look at each other for a moment, then I nod in greeting and start my day. Maybe it’s my ‘Karma Chameleon’?!

- Sarita Dasgupta

Gracious Living in the Wilderness

Not taking into account Millionaires and such-like, who take ‘La Dolce Vita’ to a different level altogether, ‘Tea’ life, must surely, in this age of flats, hard-to-get servants, and all kinds of pollution, be one of the last bastions of gracious living. (With all due respect to those who prefer living in a city or town.)
When ‘the grass looks greener on the other side’, those of us in the tea estates of Assam, Dooars, Darjeeling and South India, need only look at our own lifestyle! Spacious bungalows, with airy verandahs to spend time in, looking out on to fresh, green lawns interspersed with shrubs, majestic trees, and, in winter, bed after bed of blooming flowers; the fruit trees planted by successive occupants; fresh vegetables grown organically in one’s own kitchen garden; milk straight from the cow (with a detour through the kitchen, of course!); peace and quiet, only disturbed by the call of birds, and, occasionally, the klaxon of the ‘bazaar’ bus; plenty of room for pets; and enough people to take care of the bungalow, compound and one’s own creature comforts. Compare this with life in a city or town, where the maid is as erratic as the electricity, the only bird-sounds one hears is the raucous cawing of crows, and one can grow old sitting in a car….if stuck in a traffic jam!!
Some of our interior roads upcountry may be ‘beaten(-up) tracks’, or even river beds, but, at least one can move at one’s own pace, (occasionally giving the right-of-way to a passing cow or goat!) In a city, the cacophony of hundreds of impatient horns, cannot be good for one’s aural health!
The children have plenty of space to run around in, and breathe in lungfuls of fresh air! Fed on home-grown fruit and vegetables, and un-diluted milk, they grow up in a healthy environment.
The ladies use their time in pursuing hobbies and in developing their talents. Many a beautiful tapestry or glass painting has been the result of time well spent. Some ladies are always learning new things, others study, some hone their culinary skills while a few take up jobs when the opportunity presents itself.(When one’s husband is posted somewhere near civilization!) Some are members of Ladies’ Clubs, and try to do their bit for the less fortunate around them. Some are involved with Mahila Samitis and Mothers’ Clubs for the welfare of women and children. Keeping oneself occupied is no problem nowadays. The TV helps us all to keep abreast of what’s going on around the world and the latest in entertainment and fashion. We have telephone, Inter-net and e-mail connections, which help us communicate with anyone, anywhere, anytime!
We have clubs with golf courses that a golf fanatic would die for, tennis and squash courts, a billiard room, a well-stocked library, and some even have a swimming pool. We have to share the club facilities with only fifty or sixty people, not hundreds…and all for free! Apart from the regular events, like Club Meets, the sports tournaments and festival celebrations, we can hold any kind of ‘Evening’ we want. In fact, we don’t have to depend on outside sources for entertainment – we make our own! The hill stations of Tamil Nadu and Kerala are accessible to the South Indian plantations, those of North Bengal, and places of interest in Sikkim, Nepal and Bhutan are accessible from the Dooars and Darjeeling estates, different areas of unspoilt Arunachal adjoin the estates in Assam. The rivers are a Godsend to the anglers, and, apart from the wildlife one may occasionally come across on the estate itself, including different kinds of birds, there are all those Game Sanctuaries. Talk about wanting to ‘get away from it all’….. we are already there!
The planter’s hospitality is legendary, and comparable to any great hotel’s!
One’s husband is home for every meal, unlike in the cities and towns, where a wife waves goodbye to her husband every morning, perhaps on her way to work herself, and then sees him only late in the evening. On the estates, even when he’s at work, one knows he’s somewhere close by. How’s that for ‘togetherness’?! (Bachelor planters, show this to prospective brides!!)
Sarita Dasgupta.